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<title>The Swerving Path to Love by Pigeonsplotinsecrecy</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28869507">The Swerving Path to Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy'>Pigeonsplotinsecrecy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lone Star Past [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Sexuality Crisis, i wrote this in thirty minutes and it shows, relationships</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:29:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28869507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos must learn what loves mean and must fight to keep it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(mentioned) - Relationship, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lone Star Past [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Swerving Path to Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks for reading!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carlos felt butterflies in his stomach when he was six years old. A little boy Marc had decided to be his friend, and Carlos was filled with delight as he and Marc shared crayons and traded snacks at recess. When he got home, he told his mom all about his new friend, begging her to get him a new bicycle after Marc had told Carlos all about his red one. Carlos wanted to impress Marc, and he wasn’t sure why, but a delightful excitement in the pit of Carlos’ stomach made him want to go above and beyond for Marc. He and Marc became quick friends until months later when Marc told Carlos not to talk to him for two days because he wanted to talk to another boy instead. He forced himself not to cry on the playground, but at home, he sobbed on his bed and wondered why Marc didn’t like him. The butterflies stopped fluttering, and he just felt empty inside. Back then, some cookies and a hug from his mother was enough to put together three fragments of his shattered heart.</p><p> </p><p>At twelve, he began to wonder what the feelings he had for other boys were. For a while, he thought he just admired them. He thought he wanted to be like guys like  Jake, Ryan, or Luke, but an unsettling feeling shook  in his stomach as he realized that he never wanted to be them. He wanted to be <em>with </em>them, but he didn’t let that thought get too comfortable in his mind. He tried to convince himself that he was confused because being <em>gay— </em>the word that people used in place of stupid, wrong, or freakish— was not something he wanted to be. It’s not something that anyone would accept, so he knew that he had to keep it to himself. He couldn’t like boys. He had to be like the boys he wanted to be with. He had to act masculine and like girls. It couldn’t be that hard, could it?</p><p> </p><p>At fifteen, Carlos kissed a girl for the first time. It wasn’t awful, and as he pulled back from Nina Vasquez, he didn’t feel repulsed by her touch, so he thought, “That must mean I’m not gay, right?” He liked Nina. She was nice, and she smelled like honey and water lilies. She was pretty, and her smile made Carlos happy, but deep down, he always knew that he couldn’t be in love with her, but he could try and try and try until she finally called it quits because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t be in love with her.</p><p> </p><p>By sixteen, he kissed a boy. The kiss was quiet, a whisper in a pick up truck parked far away from civilization. Things could never be serious back then. The closet was dark and filled with old clothes in the back that became musty and unused. It was a compilation of old memories that Carlos hid away so they could never see the light. He’d never liked the darkness, but he was happiest there, pretending that he could have the future he wanted, but there was part of him that was convinced that he would never have what he craved. The closet was dim and smelled bad, but he knew it well. It felt safe.</p><p> </p><p>The first time Carlos Reyes fell in love, really fell in love, he was twenty years old, and in his first real relationship. He was finally out. His parents had taken time to understand, but they had supported him. Others in his life hadn’t been so accepting. He’s lost a few friends, a few relatives, but he felt a weight from his shoulders as he could be himself. So, He’d been with guys before, but those relationships had felt shallow. He’d never had one that he could fully dive into. Carlos didn’t like those shallow relationships, the kind that only grazed the surface and never felt complete no matter how much he wanted them to be. Aaron was different. He was sweet, smart, and hot. They could talk about thing, things Carlos didn’t normally tell people. It wasn’t like Carlos had a lot to hide, but it had always been hard to open up and give the trust that fulfilling relationships required.</p><p> </p><p>For the spring and two months of summer, they’d spent practically all their time together.  “I’ll always be here for you,” Aaron had told him. Then autumn came and Aaron decided that they’re relationship was never going to work. He hasn’t given much of an explanation why Aaron wanted out, but things had gone terribly wrong somewhere, souring long before the best by date. Carlos always wondered how things turned so grim, but he tried to ignore the pangs in his heart that didn’t seem to go away. Loneliness was the worse kind of pain, and Carlos just wanted to find that one person who would stick around and give him the closeness he so desperately craved. He wanted someone who would  be there all the time, who wouldn’t promise always and then break that promise weeks later.</p><p> </p><p>Carlos kept quiet about his sexuality when he joined the police force. He didn’t consider himself back in the closet, but he sure wasn’t open. He avoided talking about dating, and he always had a fear in the back of his mind about what would happen if he came out. It was five months before he finally started mentioning it to some do the people he was closest to at the station. He let the rumor mill run from there. He didn’t want to keep coming out. If they knew they knew and they would have to deal with it.  Not everyone had been accepting. Jackasses had made comments and had given him glares. He feared being gay would never be easy.</p><p> </p><p>He had relationships after Aaron, but not many, and they didn’t get anywhere. They felt like fruitless acts. He felt like he was going through the motions, trying to force things that were never meant to work. Then, he meets T.K., and it’s the first time in a while that he thinks there might be a such thing as love without fracture. There would never be love without pain, but with T.K., they could bed without breaking. Carlos could be himself without feeling like he wasn’t wanted or didn’t belong.</p>
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